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Sitting on the edge of my bed this afternoon I wondered, might I rejoice and grieve at the same time? Might I deeply feel a loss while also marveling at what sprouts in the soil of that loss?
These questions spring from a quick exchange with friends. Friends who are some of my dearest. Friends who moved a thousand miles away in opposite directions this summer. Friends, who for five years infused life and joy and laughter into my weary heart. Friends who, in an already hard year, felt the pull of God to other places.
We too felt the pull of God — not in moving away, but in starting over in other ways. We left our church — the church we’ve been a part of ever since we moved to Massachusetts twelve years ago as newlyweds. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to leave; I never imagined it’d be so hard.
When I have the courage to reflect on all these changes, I’m struck by the dichotomy of it all. There are no clean lines, no black and white yes and no’s. It’s beauty and ashes. Beauty turned to ashes. Beauty because of ashes.
The past few years have been hard soil tilled and turned over. Seeds of something new planted. Roots put down. Good things grown. And then, as if a harvest had come and a season ended, it was all pulled up. The soil lies empty and waiting all over again; it’s time to plant something new.
But I stand on the garden’s edge wanting only to put down my shovel. Growing good things is hard work and I’m not sure I have the courage to start from seed again.
As I tap out these words, I sip coffee from a mug gifted us by the church we’ve attended these last few months. On one side it says, “Welcome Home.” These words aren’t lost on me. We’re in a place I believe God wants us to be. We show up every week and drop more seeds in the soil. We love this church. But goodness, the ground looks awfully bare, and it feels nothing like home.
It’s beauty and ashes. It’s trusting seeds will grow in the soil of obedience. It’s thanking God for all the good that was and trusting there is more good ahead that I can’t yet see. It’s believing we will find our place and again be as much at home as we are ever meant to be this side of heaven.
So, I grieve over what was. And I rejoice over what I trust will be. Both, together. Beauty and ashes. Beauty from ashes.
Whenever you post something, I hold onto it, especially if I cannot take the time to sit and read and ponder on it. Your words are so beautiful and meaningful. This particular post I have held on to for far to long, waiting to read it until now. Changing churches is a tough one, one we have had to do several times. It does take a while to truly feel at home. To know when you walk into the building it is home, it is safe, it is a bit of heaven here on earth. I hope by now it is all of that for you. A place to be ministered to and a place for your ministry, which I know you have and five so freely. I hope your holidays were filled with the very best and that this New Year will be a year of growth, renewal, adventure and health. Cathi (DAF)
Whenever you post something, I hold onto it, especially if I cannot take
the time to sit and read and ponder on it. Your words are so beautiful
and meaningful. This particular post I have held on to for far to
long, waiting to read it until now. Changing churches is a tough one,
one we have had to do several times. It does take a while to truly
feel at home. To know when you walk into the building it is home, it
is safe, it is a bit of heaven here on earth. I hope by now it is all
of that for you. A place to be ministered to and a place for your
ministry, which I know you have and five so freely. I hope your
holidays were filled with the very best and that this New Year will be a
year of growth, renewal, adventure and health. Cathi (DAF)
I always love hearing from you. Your words are a consistent comfort and encouragement and I so appreciate that about you.
Changing churches amid covid has been really challenging. But I’m confident we are were God wants us to be and eventually these seeds we’re planting will grow into good things.
Happy New Year… I truly hope it’s a good one for you 🖤🖤🖤