the wheat princess

October.

October is my favorite month. The light and leaves paint a picture I could look at forever. You step outside, and the whole world smells like a big cup of tea.

Life though, is not so picturesque as the light and leaves, is it? Sometimes I struggle to write these posts because the photos and tidbits we choose to share online can never fully capture what’s going on in our hearts and lives behind the scenes.

We cherry-pick the highlights we want to share, and the end result can be much like an October day — breathtaking, but fleeting — the smallest inkling of a much broader reality.

My daughter has been asking me lately if I’ll read her a story from the Bible at bedtime. Can I admit that I often struggle to take the time? I’m tired, and I want my kids to go to sleep so I can unwind and be done for the night too. It’s interesting though, how God moves in our grownup hearts through the little hearts he’s placed in our hands.

Each night, after some resistance on my part to take the time, I read the requested stories.

First, she asked me to read to her about the Israelites crossing the Red Sea on dry ground.

Then, about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the fiery furnace.

And finally last night, about Mary when she found out she was going to have Jesus.

The Israelites cross the Red Sea, and we’re told:

But Moses told the people, ‘Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue you today.
…
The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.’

Exodus 14:13-14 NLT

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego face the ultimate test of their faith, and we’re told:

But suddenly, Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in amazement and exclaimed to his advisors, ‘Didn’t we tie up three men and throw them into the furnace?’ ‘Yes, Your Majesty, we certainly did,’ they replied. ‘Look!’ Nebuchadnezzar shouted. ‘I see four men, unbound, walking around in the fire unharmed! And the fourth looks like a god!’

Daniel 3:24-25 NLT

And finally, Joseph believes God and we’re told:

This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. Joseph, to whom she was engaged, was a righteous man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly.
As he considered this, an angel of the LORD appeared to him in a dream. ‘Joseph, son Of David,’ the angel said, ‘do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.’

Matthew 1:18-21 NLT

Each passage my daughter requested circles back to a common theme: Faith vs. Fear.

I’m afraid about some things right now. My stomach is in knots, and my sleep is punctured by worry. And yet each night as I’ve tucked my children into bed with our usual songs and prayers, God has used my daughter to nudge me toward his words — words about fear — words about faith in the face of fear.

The Israelites were told to step out and cross the Red Sea. Don’t be afraid. God will fight for you.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are told not to worship a false god, even if it cost them everything. God stands in the midst of them, protecting them.

Joseph is asked to give up his reputation and take Mary as his wife. Do not to be afraid even if no one else understands or believes you.

This morning as I pondered each of these accounts, my gut response was, “But I am afraid.” And also, I don’t really care to face these scary things in the first place. I want a smooth, predictable path — not a scary, faith-filled one. I want God to fix everything and take all the hard stuff away as answers to prayer.

But God doesn’t often work like that. He’s far more interested in a faith-filled relationship with us than he is in our temporary comfort.

So, we are asked to face hard things. Giants loom and we are afraid. But if I’ve learned anything over the last few years, it’s that you can keep moving forward even when you’re afraid. We can do hard things, and we can do them scared. And through it all, God promises he’ll be with us — on the uncertain path, in the furnace, and when no one else understands what we’re doing in the first place.

Faith and fear — they almost always go hand in hand. But God goes with us too, so we can take the next step — even when we’re scared.

Posted in Roots: Faith & Theology
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September.

September was a fun, busy month. We went all over New England soaking up the last bits of warm weather before the long, cold season settles in around us.

September took us to Vermont to camp on the lake with Darren’s family. This, the same lake (and the same little town fair) that his family has gone to nearly every summer for several generations.

We took each of the kids to a mother/daughter and father/son retreat up in New Hampshire. And of course, we had to spend an evening at the Big E up in Massachusetts.

New England is lit up with fun and festivity from September through December. It’s like everyone is filling up their reserves with pumpkins and apples before we hunker down and hibernate for the long winter months.

We’ve also been busy outside, trying to finish up a million different projects before it gets too cold. Darren has been working away building the kids a treehouse — among other things.

I’ve really struggled to get this post written. My mind has been wrapped up in Hurricane Helene and the devastation brought to North Carolina (among other places). It hasn’t felt right to share fun stories and pictures when there’s so much heartache and suffering.

The Carolinas hold a special place in my heart. My husband and I met in college in South Carolina. I spent a summer in the North Carolina mountains — less than an hour from Ashville. It was there in the mountains that summer that Darren first told me he loved me.

A few years back, when we knew we wanted to relocate but weren’t sure where to go, we took a survey trip to the Ashville/Hendersonville/Brevard area. We really thought that’s where we’d end up. But ultimately, we were already getting connected to the church we’re in now and decided to move to Connecticut instead.

Brevard // 2021

It’s felt really strange the last couple of weeks, sitting in this house we just built, thinking of how close we came to building in the NC mountains instead. My heart is broken seeing what’s happened and thinking of all the heartache and devastation people are walking through right now.

We still have so many friends and family spread throughout the Carolinas and are praying for everyone as they try to heal and move forward 🖤

Posted in Adventures: Travel & Doings, Haberdashery: Odds & Ends
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August.

In August, summer yawns. The leaves are tired — as freckled by the sun as my daughter’s nose and cheeks.

We ring summer out like a wet beach towel — squeezing as much from these final warm days as we can.

We spend a day beside the ocean as a family. Hours are spent building sandcastles and chasing seagulls up and down the shore.

Darren and I spend an afternoon exploring the Niantic boardwalk and Mystic seaport.

We share pastries and a coffee from Sift Bake Shop, and eat a whole Mystic Pizza together beside the water — so a pretty fabulous day overall 🙂

The garden and the fields are going to seed. The weeds and wildflowers are bursting with color, as ornate as any good and proper flower.

I drift off a bit sitting in the sun one day, and wake to a note from my son that says,

Don’t worry about us. Back in an hour. -Roman A.

I do worry. I look for them all around the house and yard and can’t find them anywhere, even when yelling their names. I eventually hear them calling back from the woods.

They have decided to go on an adventure, a walk-about if you will. Bags properly packed with snacks and stuffed toys, they are prepared to face anything and live life on their own.

I find them setting up camp, their only real concern — being eaten by coyotes. Fortunately, they have lightsabers. In time I am able to persuade them to return home and live a somewhat civilized life again.

We are back in school now. We always do our dead level best to make the first week of school chaos and anarchy — at least that is what you might believe if you were watching us from the outside.

This year, we pulled out all the stops with a bear photobombing our back-to-school pics, my car in the shop, and trips to both the doctor (for sickness) and urgent care (for injury) … just for good measure, just to keep things interesting. Who knows what we will come up with next year 🙂

Now I am off to wear sweaters and drink more coffee than water because it’s mildly cool outside and the leaves are blushing. I love this time of year 🖤

Posted in Adventures: Travel & Doings, Haberdashery: Odds & Ends
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July.

Have you ever had a premonition or sense of foreboding about something yet to come?

The summer of 2019 was one of the sweetest my family has ever had. Our kids were five and two years old, and we made so many good memories together that year.

That July, we went camping in Vermont with friends and family like we did every year; it was a wonderful week away together. On one of our last nights in Vermont, I remember walking back to our camp by myself. The sky was crystal clear and glittering with stars. I looked up at the stars as I walked and clearly remember sensing that something was about to change. I felt in my bones that I needed to soak that moment up to carry with me into harder days.

Of course I couldn’t imagine 2020.

I couldn’t imagine the seismic shift about to take place in our friendships and community.

I didn’t know how hard motherhood would soon become.

I didn’t realize all our plans, and goals, and dreams could turn to ash in our hands.

All of these years later, when I see pictures of the months leading up to the autumn of 2019, I grieve.

I grieve for what was. I wish I could step back in time to the people we were before the world fell out from under our feet. What I wouldn’t give to go back to the days when our babies were two and five years old and everything was going to be okay.

2019

Life for all the years since then has been trying to rebuild what collapsed. Two churches, three different schools for our kids, and three moves trying to finally land in one place.

When you’re walking through a difficult season, it’s hard to imagine that life can ever look hopeful again on the other side.

But this summer, I finally found my way out to the other side. Life isn’t perfect or easy — but it has been restful, and refreshing, and good.

Where last summer was one of the most stressful and depleting of my life, this summer has been still waters and green pastures.

And like that summer years ago under the Vermont sky, I know this restful season won’t last forever. This is a time to fill my bucket and settle my heart for whatever lies ahead.

I couldn’t imagine how life was about to change after the summer of 2019. Nor do I know what life will look like a year from now, or even tomorrow.

But I do know something this time around. I know when hard times come, you find out what exactly can crumble, what can be lost and taken away. But you also find out what remains — who you can hold onto (who holds onto you) when everyone and everything else is lost.

It has taken me a few extra days to gather my thoughts for this post. July is the month we remember and celebrate so many things — our 16th year of marriage, both of our children’s birthdays (and this our 10th year of parenting). It was a year ago in July that we moved onto our land here in Connecticut. I spent July reflecting and rejoicing in these and so many things.

And though we can’t go back in time, though our hearts are sometimes broken along the way, I’m thankful for a God who only ever loves in the things he gives and takes away. I’m thankful for green pastures and still waters — and a Good Shepherd who will lead me all the way.

Posted in Haberdashery: Odds & Ends
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June.

June was mercy.

Quiet days at home — slow mornings, sitting in the sunshine reading, noticing wildflowers, planting a belated garden for the kids, long walks with my husband.

An endless stream of kids in and out of the door, sticky floors and dripping freeze pops, days spent in the backyard playing in the water and sun.

Little ones ever beside me and in front of me…a train full of questions that huffs behind me all day long.

Toys and books on every surface — and that’s all right because it means they’ve been bored and found a reason to imagine and play.

Sitting on the back porch with friends, sipping iced coffee, talking…really talking like there is nowhere else to be and nothing else to do.

A special dinner with friends — laughing and celebrating.

The ocean with friends — sand and shore, endless treasures gathered and curated by my daughter — creepy crab legs are her latest prize possession.

Closing out the night by a campfire, watching the kids run and play outside after dark.

A week of summer camp — five sleeps away from home and a million prayers from momma. Coming home tan, bruised, exhausted and happy with endless stories to tell.

Cousins who are friends. Watching them grow up together…remembering how crazy it was when they were all babies and toddlers at the same time.

Yes, June was mercy. Sometimes it’s good to sit down for a minute and remember how much you enjoy all the precious people in your life; that’s what June did for me. I’m thankful for a quieter month to spend at home together just enjoying summer and each other.

Posted in Adventures: Travel & Doings, Haberdashery: Odds & Ends
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May.

May was a whirlwind of a month. Nearly every day was packed with travel, company, or end of school activities.

We started the month off with a trip to the Outer Banks in North Carolina.

We planned this trip with friends months ago when we were all in dire need of a getaway (in the thick of housebuilding and night shifts at work haha). It turned out to be a pretty fabulous idea and the kids are still talking about it.

A week after the Outer Banks, I was on my way to Louisiana to spend a few days with friends and family.

I came home to all the fun and craziness of the last couple of weeks of school — spring concert, themed days in class, field day…

Spring concert

We also had lots of family and friends staying with us this month… which meant many fun, exhausting days and late nights. We packed in Six Flags, Boston, the rose gardens in Hartford, and two trips to urgent care for strep and ear infections 🥱🤪

When the fun and craziness was finally over and we skidded across the finish line into June, Darren and I went out on our back porch to sit in the sunshine and quite literally fell asleep on the floor 😆

So, here’s to June being a quieter, slower month at home with my people 🖤

Posted in Adventures: Travel & Doings
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April.

April brought all the showers as promised; now we wait to see if May holds up her end of the deal with flowers.

I’m sitting here looking out at more gray clouds while drinking my second cup of hot coffee for the morning.

It’s cool and gloomy, but the bright green baby leaves are bravely peeking out and promising warmer days will come.

We’ve worked hard this month planting grass and trying to transform our yard from a muddy, sandy mess into something we can go out and enjoy this summer.

Darren and our son have been building rock retaining walls and getting everything prepped for stone pathways and a patio.

When we pulled into the driveway yesterday, my six-year-old daughter said, “Man, this place looks good. Look at that grass!” Apparently even she is tired of the brown muddy mess 😁

I spent one rainy day this month introducing a friend to my favorite bookstore and antique shop. We sipped hot coffee and drove around the sweet little town my family moved away from a couple years ago.

I came home with an antique printer’s tray — I’m going to hang it up for the kids to fill with the many treasures they bring in from outside like rocks, seashells, and feathers.

I also found a few beautiful old books to read and add to our shelves.

Speaking of shelves, Darren used some of the wood from the old farmhouse we remodeled in Massachusetts and added these shelves on either side of the fireplace here in our new home.

I’m enjoying having another area to decorate and display photos.

Photos are really important to me. I love the way a photo can transplant you back to a moment in time and remind you of the significance that moment held.

I took the photo of the clouds on one of our last evenings at that farmhouse in Massachusetts.

Leaving that place was incredibly hard, even though we knew it was the right thing to do.

That night, the clouds reminded me of wings, and it felt like a reminder that God’s wings were wrapped around me then and always.

I took the photo of Darren and I holding hands during that same difficult summer of transition.

We were sitting in a field in Maine, under a tree that we’ve gone and sat under ever since we were dating.

We’ve held hands in solidarity through many years and many things — good and bad, and that photo reminds me to keep holding on to the precious hand God placed in mine.

Other treasured moments from this month include the sweet letters my mom and dad mail back and forth with the kids.

If my kids are going to grow up far away from grandparents, I’m glad they can at least keep in touch as pen pals 🖤

Here is Puppy, the brave survivor of a panther attack (this particular panther being our rather naughty cat).

Puppy has been a beloved member of the family since our daughter was born, so I’m glad we were able to get him on the road to recovery 😛

One of my favorite things this and every month is our Friday night movie nights together.

We all look forward to piling on the couch together at the end of the week to enjoy a show (and pizza and popcorn and ice cream because we don’t mess around).

Our kids are getting so big and one of the only times we get to snuggle up with them these days is during these family nights each week. We may drive each other crazy 98% of the time, but I will always treasure these evenings together.

I closed out the month yesterday by snuggling my daughter who was home from school with an ear infection. Again, the bigger they get, the less I get to scoop them up in my arms… so I’ll take what I can get…even sick day snuggles 🖤

Posted in Haberdashery: Odds & Ends
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March.

March is a tease. The trees are heavy with red blossoms waiting to bloom and daffodils shine like the sun against the gray and brown landscape. But it’s cold outside, and spring hasn’t yet come to New England.

Actually, we’re supposed to get snow on Thursday, which is stupid.

Because we’re tired of being cold, we went to Canada for spring break 🙂 We mostly stayed inside, and it was fun.

While we wait for warmer, brighter days, I’ve been busy making the house feel like spring.

Linen and cotton pillows replace the soft, fury winter ones. Greenery is swept off the mantel by flowers and buds. If it’s cold outside, then we’ll just have to work at it being warm and cozy inside.

We closed out March with Easter. And though I love the meaning behind Easter, the death and resurrection of my wonderful Savior, I struggle with Easter every year.

When I was 22, fresh out of college and newly married, moving across the country was a wonderful adventure. I soaked that excitement up for years.

And then I became a mother.

Motherhood stirs in me such a deep homesickness. I wish my parents were closer, watching their grandchildren grow up. I wish my kids could play with their many cousins. And I wish I lived close enough to my brothers to give them a hard time every single day until they die just as they deserve.

And on Easter Sunday, I wish we were all crammed around my momma’s table for dinner together.

It’s hard coming home on Easter Sunday to a quiet house and just the four of us. Not because the four of us aren’t enough — I love my little family. But because holidays feel like they should be spent with family.

I hesitate to write these words because I don’t want it to sound like I’m asking for pity or an invitation to dinner. We have a wonderful community, and kind friends who often extend the invitation to join them and their families on special days; I’m so thankful for that.

But I choose to write these words because I know I’m probably not the only one who wrestles with sadness on a day that should be happy.

There are plenty of reasons the holidays can feel heavy in our hearts — death, divorce and broken relationships, isolation, the invisible fears and burdens we carry.

I think of a friend who just lost her dad, of another who’s estranged from her mom. So many heartaches that inch their way to the surface with the lump in our throat and the ache in our bones for something different.

So, if you’re sad when everyone else seems happy, I just want you to know that you’re not alone; it’s okay to feel that way.

Life this side of Eden is never just as we hope or expect it to be. It’s complicated — both achingly beautiful and devastatingly painful — sometimes all in the same hour or day.

But I will tell you one thing I like about Easter — I like that someday in heaven, I’ll sit at a giant table with all my family in Jesus — and we won’t be sad or lonely anymore. We won’t ache for belonging or the people we love, because we’ll finally be together.

Until that day, know you’re not alone and it’s okay to not be okay. Because of Easter, a better day is coming.

Posted in Haberdashery: Odds & Ends
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February.

February brought us both glittering snow and promises of spring. The longer I live in New England, the more I look forward to the snow. I cheer with the kids when we wake up to a snow day and any excuse to stay home.

The kids and I spent our snow days trying to figure out how to make soft, fluffy dinner rolls. We didn’t succeed. But we haven’t given up yet either. We’ll just keep eating our way through trial and error (and loaves of banana bread too) until we bite into the perfect roll at last.

We celebrated Darren’s 40th birthday this month. It’s funny, because we both mildly panicked about turning 30. But the idea of 40 doesn’t really bother either one of us. I think after the craziness of last year, we both feel older than we are anyway, so 40 doesn’t sound so bad 🙂

For Darren’s birthday dinner, we dropped the kids off with family and went out to a little Lebanese place that’s one of our favorites. We filled our middle-aged bellies with lamb, chicken, kafta, falafel, rice, hummus, and fattoush…annnnnd were very full…but not very sorry. It was good.

We had Spirit Week at school this month. Let me just park here for a minute 😛 My kids have completely different personalities. I think of them as the sun and the moon…both beautiful but bringing such different lights into the world.

Roman is the moon — born an old man, factual and serious.

Aletheia is the sun — bright, playful, and dreaming.

Every year when Spirit Week rolls around, Aletheia jumps in excited to dress up and be silly. Roman, on the other hand, has no patience for such foolishness. They were supposed to dress up like senior citizens one day…and the pictures tell the story 😆

Speaking of my crazy loon of a daughter, the girl has been begging for a pet lizard for forever. We finally decided to get her one, and now it lives in her zoo of a room along with her many toy snakes, lizards, and cheetahs.

Meet Jack, the much beloved leopard gecko.

I’ve been thinking this month about how easy it is to get a bit lost in the work of taking care of a home and family. I’ve always got a running list pulsing through my mind of what everyone needs and what needs to be done.

I scour clearance racks to keep the kids dressed, pack lunches so they don’t subsist on corn dogs as they’d prefer, and get up early to make sure everyone gets something in their belly before we race out the door.

But it can be easy to forget that I need to put on more than the same hoodie every day or that I ought to eat more than a glazed donut in the car.

So, I’ve been working this month on keeping myself on that running list in my head too.

A couple simple changes have helped a lot, like making myself a hot breakfast after school drop off and actually sitting down to eat. I even scoured a clearance rack for myself and wore something other than ripped jeans and a t-shirt for a day 🙂

Other small changes that have helped this month — deleting Facebook and Instagram off my phone, redeeming our many hours in the car by listening to audio books with the kids (we’re loving The Little House on the Prairie series), and listening to my Bible reading when I’m driving alone.

I’ve also been listening to my pastor’s commentary on the Bible reading plan I’m working through this year. You can check that out here if you’re looking for a way to start reading the Bible or would like help better understanding what you’re reading. This has been really helpful and encouraging to me.

It’s been helpful this month too, to get outside as much as we can when the weather allows. I’ve been working on clearing areas around the house of brush in preparation for planting flowers, bushes, and gardens this spring.

Then we have a big brush fire and roast hot dogs and marshmallows at the end to warm up.

Now that February is coming to a close, I feel all the stir craziness of spring settling in my bones. I’m ready to pack up the winter decor and fill the house with lighter, brighter things. I want to go for long walks in the warm sunshine and sit outside in the fresh air.

Until then, we’ll see what March brings 🖤

Posted in Haberdashery: Odds & Ends
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January.

It’s been a long time since I played with words.

The last year was really, really hard. Today though, I sit on the other side of that all-consuming year and breathe in the goodness of what we built.

January snowstorm

I’m tucked in my armchair in a bright, warm corner of our bedroom — my favorite nook in the house.

The sun is shining, which is not remarkable, unless it is. And it is remarkable after so many months of rain and gray.

The sky is a shade of blue that seems rather special to New England — azure, bright and clear.

Not today, but we sit under the same clear skies

The kids have the day off school and were lured outside by the enchanting sky, cold as it may be. “It just looks warm,” they tell me, and can’t help but play in the dazzling light.

I don’t blame them. I could sit here all day long watching the light dance and play across the room.

I have a simple goal for writing this year — to share one post at the end of each month with thoughts and photos of the month gone by.

For us, January was a month of rest and settling in.

Though we moved into our home in November, it took me until January to really feel settled. The boxes are unpacked and thrown away at last (after three different moves over the last year!).

Right after the new year, we filled our house with friends for the first time. Starting over in a new place is hard. Making friends as an adult is hard too. But God has been good in building community around us here in Connecticut.

We’ve had to show up and plant the seeds, but God has grown good fruit from our labor.

I sat on my living room floor that night with friends wrapped all around the room and ten children bouncing and booming all through the house. The conversation, noise, and laughter made it feel like home. A house is just a house, but a home is something entirely different. And that cold January night, we were home.

We spent a lot of time this month hanging photos on the walls. Darren and I have been married for 15 years, and parents for almost 10.

Looking through photos and deciding which ones to display was a sweet reminder of all the years we’ve shared and the life we’ve built together along the way.

January was a month of quiet and creativity.

I’ve allowed myself to take a step back this month and rest as much as possible. We pushed so hard for so long and reached a place of deep burnout by the time we were able to stop.

That works for a season — but only if you rest and recover afterword. So, as hard as it might be sometimes to make it happen, we’re working at being still and enjoying simply being home.

My husband came home with a little black kitten one night.

We are all rather smitten, our son especially so. Meet Panther 🙂

I’m always happy when January is over. Winter is long and I look forward to brighter, warmer days. But I have no complaints about this January; it was a good, rich month of rest and renewal.

I hope you’ve had a good and merciful start to your year as well. Until next month <3

Posted in Haberdashery: Odds & Ends, Ponderings: Thoughts & Questions
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